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Chapter 4

Creating Guest Lists

In This Chapter

* Who makes the list

* Guest list subtlety

* Avoiding overlap

The big question when it comes to planning wedding weekend events is who do we invite? Hosts get very nervous about the possibility of paying for many more guests than they can easily afford, not wanting to leave anyone out of a fun wedding weekend get-together. But as you’ll see in this chapter, you don’t have to invite everyone who’s invited to the wedding to your party, and – further saving you – it’s quite common for multiple events to take place at the same time, hosted by other people for their own groups. So you can certainly plan an event with an exclusive, VIP guest list for a smaller group if you wish…or you can be one of the hosts who does extend an open invitation for all.

In this chapter, you’ll explore the Do’s and Don’ts related to guest lists for wedding weekend parties and outings, starting with the first and most important one: always consult with the bride and groom for their approval of your guest list, so that you don’t ruin any event they’d like to plan for themselves.

Who Makes the List

Ideally, any party host will work with the bride and groom – who also consult with parents and other event hosts – to design a coordinated guest list plan for each of the wedding weekend events. The gracious bride and groom will want to be sure that all of their out-of-town guests who are traveling in for the wedding have some fun activities to enjoy, and that their natural groups of friends and relatives will be able to gather at one or more events. So, if you’re neither the bride nor the groom, you’ll check in with the couple as part of a wider planning circle to be sure that events are planned perfectly and inclusive in the manner the couple wishes. It would be terrible for the bride and groom if a close friend was not invited to a Friends-Only cocktail party or if a cousin was not invited to a family get-together.

Here’s an issue that’s going to be a factor: do you only invite out-of-town guests, or do you also invite in-town and otherwise local friends? “We originally planned a pizza party for just the out-of-town friends,” says Sarah, a friend of the bride’s, “But when local friends heard that our college friends would be coming over that night, they wanted to come to…to get time to hang out with friends they haven’t seen in years. I could totally understand that. They wanted social time with our Chicago and L.A. friends, and I didn’t want to cost them that, so we just ordered a few more pizzas and let them come.” Sarah said that the additional friends she invited did bring bottles of wine and six-packs of beer to the party, so she was helped a bit in that department, too.

***Watch Out!***

While most people will bring a bottle of wine or six pack, or food or desserts, to a party as a matter of being a proper and gracious guest, don’t depend on it. Party hosts who think, “Well, people will bring wine, so we don’t have to buy any” have made terrible errors in judgment when everyone brought cookie trays, or brought nothing at all, leaving the hosts without a good supply of drinks for their party.

*****

A natural group may be very well-defined, such as all of your college friends and their spouses/significant others, leaving you with very little concern about guest list for your friends-only party. A get-together with your siblings and cousins also has a ‘circle’ aspect, removing any concern. For any cross-over guests, such as siblings who would be invited to your party and also to the parents’, for instance, it is okay for them or other guests to get two invitations and then decide how to divide their time between the two parties. So don’t stress about inviting someone if they’re also invited elsewhere.

Another solution: you can invite two distinct ‘groups,’ such as close friends and the cousins, just as the parents might invite their close relatives and their close friends to their own hosted cocktail party.

Now, here are some important guest list trends related to the different, most common wedding weekend events:

The Rehearsal Dinner

For the past few years, it became a trend to invite all out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner, but that’s not the case anymore. In more financially flush years, wedding hosts could afford to double their rehearsal dinner guest list, but in the past few years, they’ve gone back to the original model of inviting just immediate family, the bridal party and their guests, the officiant and his or her guest, child attendants and their parents and those who would take part in the ceremony, plus their dates. That’s it.

Since hosts do want to be sure that out-of-town guests are well provided for, they may arrange for a cocktail party to take place at the hotel – starting later in the evening – for those guests, and the bride and groom and others then head over to that party after the rehearsal dinner ends. Look at Chapter 8 for full planning details on the Rehearsal Dinner itself.

The Morning-After Breakfast

The current trend is to host this morning-after breakfast just for the guests who are staying in the hotel. The bridal party may of course be invited, as is immediate family, but you do not have to invite other locals nor the officiant.

The After-Party

It’s now become a trend to extend the celebration after the reception is done, and that often sends the bride, groom and their close friends and relatives to the hotel bar or lounge for drinks later in the evening. This can be a planned event with invitations sent, or a spontaneous “Hey, let’s keep the party going!” natural progression. Whoever wishes to join the group may do so. But if you wish to host this after-party in your hotel suite or at your home, it’s a trend to invite just the bride and groom’s closest friends from near and far, plus hand-picked relatives such as close cousins and others who make the bride- and groom-approved VIP list.

Parents now tend to plan an After-Party at their homes, inviting their friends and close relatives, with the guest list up to them.

***Steal My Party Idea***

“We invited our friends and close relatives to our after-party, and we also invited the groom’s parents and his relatives of our generation since they came in from out of town, and we wanted to include them and get to know them better. It was a lovely evening for all!” – Mathilde, mother of the bride

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Guest List Subtlety Smarts

Since it may turn out that not all guests will be invited to all wedding weekend parties, it’s important to practice good diplomacy and subtlety about the events. When you send out an Evite, the people who are invited will be listed on the invitation page, and their responses will be seen by all there…in that private invitation group. So keep your messaging there, not on Facebook or on your Twitter where all others can see mentions of your party…and where those who are not invited can see them as well, with feelings hurt and awkward messages then sent.

It is okay to let guests know that they’re part of an exclusive group invited to the event, and you do appreciate their discretion. How is this done? Add a line to your sent invitation: “We’re excited to see you at this private, exclusive party for (bride) and (groom.)” gets the message across well. And for invitations going out to close friends, you can use a dash of directness and a splash of humor: “Shhhh! This is a private, exclusive party, so please message us directly, not via Facebook or other social sites. We don’t want people crashing :] Thank you!”

Etiquette-Friendly: If you’ll allow guests to bring a date, you can use the wedding-oriented etiquette addressing of ‘Susan Jones and Guest’ to let Susan know that she can bring a date. If you’d like to limit the +1s to guests whose significant others are known to you – which is a smart way to limit your guest list, address the invitation to ‘Susan Jones and Carl Anderson.’ If no guest is invited, even if others are bringing their significant others, then the invitation just reads ‘Susan Jones.’ If anyone asks if they can bring a date, it’s up to you to allow that (if you’ve had some Regrets come in and have the room) or simply say, “I wish I could allow everyone to bring dates, but I have big space and budget restrictions. I’m sorry, but there will be lots of other people there without dates, and you’ll have a fantastic time with everyone!”

Another subtlety strategy is to send out invitations to the After-Party a few days before the wedding, not months before. Limiting the amount of time for word to get out often works wonderfully. As does noting on your days-prior Evite the wording: “Shhh! This is a private party, and you’re a VIP guest! We can’t invite everyone, so this fete is hush-hush!”

Avoiding Guest List Overlap and Other Problems

Again, always clear your wished-for guest list with the bride and groom before you mention your party or send out invitations. Even though it can work out fine for some guests to get two or more invitations for simultaneous parties, you never want the wedding couple to feel like you stole their thunder during their wedding weekend by planning your own party to attract their friends and guests, or prevent them from the plans they had in mind. I can’t emphasize that enough. Some party hosts have canceled their planned get-togethers when they found out that the bride and groom wanted to plan their own day-after event. It’s their weekend, after all.

With guest list overlap handled now, your next focus will be on other guest list issues. For instance, what do you do if you get a call, e-mail, text or IM from someone who isn’t on your party guest list but wants to come anyway? That’s a huge etiquette minefield in weddings as a whole, and your party is no different. And it’s become a bigger problem now that guests seem to be nervier than ever, feeling entitled to invite themselves or bring a guest when no guest was invited…and parents too are extending invitations to others’ parties without getting permission first! Yes, manners are not as much of a value now as they used to be, it seems, and as party host you may run into a few ill-mannered people who will get on your list one way or another….or so they plan.

“Can I Come?”

We start with those who ask, sweetly and innocently, perhaps without any intentions of manipulating or perhaps with manipulative intentions. No matter the background, the fact remains: you’ve received a note or call from someone who wants into your party.

Earlier, you learned the diplomatic response about your limited space and budget if that person can’t be invited…or if inviting that person would lead to a chain of additional ‘must invites.’ So it goes with the dreaded ‘group think’ of party invitations, that you can’t invite Sally without also inviting Jill, Jane and Jennifer.

If you get that “Can I come?” message, again, you can say Yes if you have the space and food needed, to avoid the hassle and drama of trying to gently let this person down. And as a second tier of solution for the pseudo-friend who wants to join the group – perhaps someone whose presence isn’t wanted due to dramas she has cooking with other friends on the list, or whose sloppy drunkenness always wrecks a party – a good response is this: “I’m so sorry to have to say No, but we’ll see you at the wedding!” I’ve found that when you don’t give an excuse to a pushy person, they have nothing to grab onto and fight you with. If you were to say, “I don’t have enough food,” for instance (not that that’s a good reason to give), that pushy person might say, “Oh, I can bring a platter of my famous meatballs!” or “I’ll eat beforehand!” That would lead you into the next downward spiral of this conversation with her. A simple No, and then changing the subject works best.

“Can I Bring Someone?”

Some people can’t go to a party without bringing a date. True, some have social anxieties or don’t know anyone else invited and it would be a comfort level for them. And some don’t want to be the only single there, while others want to show off the hot date they’re able to attract. The bottom line is that the pushy request adds another person to your list, another person to feed and supply with drinks, another body in the room.

The solution to this is the blanket answer: “No, I’m sorry, but I don’t have the room for everyone to bring dates. I wanted to be sure all the bride and groom’s friends could be there, so this party will just be for our circle only, plus a few boyfriends and fiancés that the couple knows.” The magic in this response is that you’ve just pre-empted the future drama of this guest seeing that other guests have dates at the party, which could otherwise turn into a larger-than-expected crisis later on when she whines about this to the bride.

Etiquette-Friendly: If a guest responds that he or she is bringing a date, you’re not stuck. Their bad etiquette leads to your next step of proper etiquette in calling this person to say, “I received your RSVP with your Plus-One, and I have to let you know that I had to make it a rule that no one brings a date except for very few close couple friends of the bride and groom. So, I’m sorry you can’t bring (random guy she added to her RSVP), or everyone at the party is going to be angry with me. Can’t make exceptions, and I’m sure you understand. But I’m so excited to see you at the party!” Done!

“Can I Bring My Kids?”

Also in the category of today’s nervy guests are the ones who see the bride and groom’s weekend as their own chance to show off their kids to their friends, or – less cynically – as their chance to have family and friends meet their kids for the first time. Regardless of intention or nerviness levels, you’re the party host, and if guests start requesting to bring their little ones, you’re going to have to make your house child-friendly and provide a kid-friendly menu. That is, if you choose to allow guests to bring their little ones.

Some wedding weekend events are quite kid-friendly, such as trips to museums, festivals, ballgames or the beach, and others – such as cocktail parties at your home – are less so. So assess your party’s style, because it might just be a good thing if you allow friends to bring their kids. Your original plan to have a college friend get-together might just become a more joyous event when everyone has their babies and toddlers with them.

If you’re not amenable to any guests bringing their kids along, it’s more than okay for you to respond with, “I’m sorry, I’ve already told lots of guests that this is an Adults-Only cocktail party, a relaxing night out without the kids.” What you might hear, in a parent’s well-used method of squeaking by the masses, is that they cannot find a sitter, or that they’re not comfortable going out without their child. This is a tough one, and few hosts feel comfortable saying, “Well, then, we’ll miss you!”

***Steal My Party Idea ***

“We had so many guests saying they couldn’t find a sitter, and we were put in a tough place because of that. But what we did was hire a pair of local teen babysitters to work our party, taking all the kids downstairs to our rec room to entertain them while the adults had a cocktail party upstairs. We got the kids a pizza and cut it into little squares, plus a few other kid food items and cookies, gave the sitter a stack of kid movies to put on the TV, and the little ones had a party of their own downstairs where their parents could just go check on them from time to time. It worked out really well.” – Jenni, bridesmaid

***

Cancellations

It happens at every party, and also at every wedding. Event coordinators say that it’s smart to expect 3% of guests to be no-shows, or to cancel at the last minute. When your party or outing date gets closer and guests start calling to say they can’t make it, it’s one of those things that can’t be avoided. The one warning I have for you is that it’s not proper to tell cancellers that they have to pay for the ticket they won’t be using. Just accept the cancellation gracefully and go to your B-list of anyone who might like to join in. If it’s the night before the event, maybe a close friend would like to invite a date. Maybe a teen would like to bring the friend she originally asked to bring. Don’t worry about people being offended that they’re a last-second invite…you never know who will be thrilled to get your call.

Etiquette-Friendly: When you do make the call to a last-minute invitee, play down the fact that you’re calling because someone on your a-list just cancelled. Just extend the invitation with a simple, “Would you like to join our group that’s going to see (comedian) at the comedy club?” The less you make of the issue, the better.

Cancellations for events that required a ticket, such as a concert, comedy performance, sporting event, museum entrance or other ticketed show, present a challenge. If the person pre-paid for their ticket and now cancelled, what do you do about refunds? It’s a gracious move to offer the canceller his or her money back. They may accept, or they may tell you not to worry about it. That does happen.

Now you have an open ticket. If you have a friend who will join at the last minute, you can decide if you’ll ask that person to pay, or – as many hosts do – pick up the cost yourself. Some hosts give the last-minute guest a big discount on the ticket, recouping some of their money.

What’s not okay is standing outside the theater with your whole group, trying to scalp that extra ticket.

If you’re still considering which type of wedding weekend event to plan, and a ticketed event is on your possibilities list, think about this…how will you handle cancellations and refunds? If you create a list of go-to add-on guests, you might find it to be a non-issue. If the idea of picking up the cost of one or more unused tickets unpleasant, maybe a ticketed event is not the best idea for you.

As for non-ticket events, again, cancellations happen, and the party goes on as planned!

Sharon Naylor is the author of over 35 wedding books, www.sharonnaylor.net

Check out her titles The Mother of the Bride Book, Mother of the Groom, Bridesmaid on a Budget, Your Special Wedding Vows, Your Special Wedding Toasts and more....