Stuck in the MIddle with You

Wedding professionals and mediators have something in common with bartenders and rabbis. People tend to tell us stuff confidentially. All kinds of stuff. Intimate. Shocking. Personal. Puzzling. Uplifting. Life-altering stuff. And, ask for advice. Sometimes that’s cool. After all, who’s the bride gonna ask about how many rounds of 8 can fit under a tent comfortably besides you? Other times, not so much.

No doubt you’re had a situation or two where you learned something from a bride that made you want to march her to the corner for a woman-to-woman chat. I know I did in my life as a corporate Ombudsman- fancy word for someone who works by an ethical code that guards neutrality and confidentiality ( gosh I fell back into corporate speak pretty easy-eh). Honestly, if it weren’t for my code, I’d have a best-selling beach read :lol:

It’s hard to keep the line straight when you’re deeply committed to your work, love your clients and want the best for them. That’s why a post by a relatively new planner caught my attention. Let’s call her Renee to protect her privacy. Well, Renee’s bride asked her advice on a really ticklish baby-daddy drama wedding guest question. Because she wanted to be helpful and liked her bride, Renee gave an answer but later regretted it. She came to the boards looking for advice.

As I was writing I realized managing client relationships is probably something others would like to know more about. I’m working on a Brideability Summit on this for November. Shoot me a note if you have thoughts on what to include. I’d especially like to hear from other vendors like photographers, venue managers, etc. Anyway, here’s my response:

I wanted to offer a slightly different perspective. Like you, I come to know and like my clients as a mediator. I want to help them, but always maintain a clear boundary between what’s my work and what’s theirs. I see how you wanted to help this bride, but by giving her advice, an answer, you inadvertently substituted your values for hers. It’s tough not to do it, but over the years I’ve found that most people know what’s best for them. Often they’re looking for confirmation (or someone to blame) when seeking advice.

I’d help her think through her options more thoroughly by asking questions.

What makes you want to invite your child’s extended family?

What does your fiance think?

Could he have other feelings he didn’t express to you? Like what?

What’s the upside of having them at the wedding?

What could possibly go wrong? And, how would that impact the day?

Who else might have an opinion about this?

This way you’re not rejecting her but not getting in her business either.

Questioning changes the dynamic from advice to brainstorming. You’re not telling her what to do. Just assisting her to see and evaluate options. Kinda like you usually do. And, the nice part is you’re still there supporting her without stepping over the line.