Personal Inspiration:: Love is Unconditional

Day 10 of The Love Dare states that love is unconditional. It starts by reminding us of Romans 5:8 which says that "God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

It says, "If someone were to ask you, 'Why do you love your wife?' or 'Why do you love your husband?' - what would you say?

Most men would mention their wife's beauty, her sense of humor, her kindness, her inner strength. They might talk about her cooking, her knack for decorating, or what a good mother she is.

Women would probably say something about their husband's good looks or his personality. They'd commend him for his steadiness and consistent character. They'd say they love him because he's always there for them. He's generous. He's helpful.

But what if over the course of years, your wife or husband stopped being every one of these things. Would you still love them? Based on your answers above, the only logical response would be "no." If your reasons for loving your spouse all have something to do with his or her qualities - and then those same qualities suddenly or gradually disappear - your basis for love is over.

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.

The Bible refers to this kind of love by using the Greek word agape (pronounced uh-GOP-ay).

It differs from the other types of love, which are - phileo (friendship) and eros (sexual love). Both friendship and sex have an important place in marriage, of course, and are definitely part of the house you build together as husband and wife. But if your marriage totally depends on having common interests or enjoying a healthy sex life, then the foundation of your relationship is unstable.

Phileo and eros are more responsive in nature and can fluctuate based upon feelings. Agape love, on the other hand, is selfless and unconditional. So unless this kind of love forms the foundation of your marriage, the wear and tear of time will destroy it. Agape love is "in sickness and health" love, "for richer or poorer" love, "for better or worse" love. It is the only kind of love that is true love.

That's because this is God's kind of love. He doesn't love us because we are lovable but because He is so loving. The Bible says, "In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10). If He insisted that we prove ourselves worthy of His love, we would fail miserably. But God's love is a choice He makes completely on His own. It's something we receive from Him and then share with others. "We love, because He first loved us" (1 John 4:19).

If a man says to his wife, "I have fallen out of love with you," he is actually saying, "I never loved you unconditionally to begin with." His love was based on feelings or circumstances rather than commitment. That's the result of building a marriage on phileo or eros love. There must be a stronger foundation than mere friendship or sexual attraction. Unconditional love, agape love, will not be swayed by time or circumstance.

That's not to say, though, that love which began for the wrong reasons cannot be restored and redeemed. In fact, when you rebuild your marriage with agape as its foundation, then the friendship and romantic aspects of your love become more endearing than ever before. When your enjoyment of each other as best friends and lovers is based on unwavering commitment, you will experience an intimacy that cannot be achieved any other way.

But you will struggle and fail to attain this kind of marriage unless you allow God to begin growing His love within you. Love that "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7) does not come from within. It can only come from God.

The Scriptures say that "neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:38-39). This is God's kind of love. And thankfully - by your choice - it can become your kind of love. But first you must receive it and share it.

And don't be surprised, when your spouse begins living confidently under its shade, if he or she doesn't become even more lovable to you than you remember. You will no longer say, 'I love you because...' You will now say, 'I love you, period.'"

The challenge for Day 10 is to do something out of the ordinary for your spouse - something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

It follows with a couple questions... "has your love in the past been based on your spouse's attributes and behavior, or on your commitment? How can you continue to show love when it's not returned in a way you hoped for?"

An added thought of my own... the past few weeks our pastor has been delivering a sermon series titled, Unwavering. This past Sunday he said that our economy is shaken. We all know that. He said that many of the things we have come to depend upon or put our security or trust in are being shaken in the earth. I know this is true in my own life personally and on a larger scale within our society. Pastor pointed out that the purpose of God's doing this is to show us that the only thing that is unshakable, the only thing that is immovable is Him. He is THE rock (2 Samuel 22).

All of the things mentioned at the beginning of this chapter from The Love Dare are shakable things. When life changes and tough times come, they have the ability and often times do change us. This of course can be for the better or for the worse depending upon our responses to these things but the only thing that will make sure our love for each other does not change is if we make the choice to love unconditionally.

I've found myself surprised sometimes at the changes I've seen in myself when circumstances change. For example, before I had kids, I thought myself to be a pretty level-headed, calm person in the face of difficulty and trial. Come to find out, when faced with the difficulty and trial that parenting can sometimes offer all my level-headedness and calm went out the window. I struggled with anxiety and fear like I had not known since I was a small child. It changed me in ways that were completely unexpected to me. So if they were unexpected to me then surely, they were probably unexpected to those around me as well. Just as I have changed through the years, I have watched my husband change too. There's been change for the positive in both of us and some change that's not been so positive but bottom line is if our love is based on temporal things that can and will change then it is not real love. It's based on what the other can do for us and that is selfishness. There is no place for selfishness in real love.

Now mind you, I have not perfected this. This is still a new concept for me, myself. However, I believe it is true and therefore I am going to give it all I've got and I am going to continue to draw on the love that God has extended to me so that I can extend that same kind of love to my husband. "For His divine power has bestowed upon us all things that [are requisite and suited] to life and godliness, through the [ full, personal] knowledge of Him Who called us by and to His own glory and excellence (virtue)." 2 Peter 1:3 (Amplified Bible)

I'll leave you with this beautiful image.