Guest list and who should you invite -

One of the most difficult stages of wedding planning stage is the preparation of the

guest list.

This process can be quite difficult for large weddings or when the wedding budget is severely restricted. Further problems may arise if one family is much larger than the other.

It simply may not be financially possible to include everyone who may want to attend,or everyone whom the respective families wish to attend.

However, it’s important to approach the task as fairly and evenhandedly

as possible to avoid hurt feelings.

The best and most proper way to handle the wedding guest list is to

start with a total estimated number of guests, roughly based on the

size of the wedding budget. For the average wedding, the total

number of guests will usually be between 100 and 200 people, so this

is a good starting point. (Of course, when larger families or larger

budgets are involved, the starting number may be 250, 300, or even

500 people.)

When an approximate total number is determined, the

number should then be divided in half. The bride and her family will

invite half of the total, and the groom and his family will invite the

other half. So, if a starting number of 100 guests is used, the bride and

her family will invite 50 people, and the groom and his family will invite

the remaining 50.

After approximate numbers of guests are allotted to each family, a total

of four guest lists should be prepared. The bride, the bride’s parents,

the groom, and the groom’s parents should then each compile

their own personal list of guests (relatives, friends, coworkers, and

neighbors). These four lists should be made personally by each party,

without consulting each other. When the four lists are completed, the

bride and her mother then traditionally combine the lists to create the

"master guest list."

Naturally, a great deal of tact and diplomacy is necessary when compiling

the master guest list. The number of guests on each of the four

lists will seldom be evenly divided, and the total number will seldom

be within the limit decided at the beginning. Discussion and compromise

will be needed to "trim" the lists. However, there are some sensible

methods that can help in this process.

First, the names should be divided into "must invite" and "may invite"

categories. The final list should have the "must invite" names at

the top, followed by the "may invite" names. To start the separation

process, the four lists should be examined. If any one list is extremely

long (that is, over the allowed number of names), the party who compiled

it should be asked to move some names to the "may invite"

category.

This may be a touchy issue if large families are involved, especially

if one family is much larger than the other. However, it’s only

fair that both the bride’s family and the groom’s family be allowed to

invite half of the guests.

Any name that appears on all four lists would naturally be included

in the "must invite" category. The first names on the list will naturally

be those of the bride, the groom, their parents, and all attendants.

Although this seems obvious, people sometimes forget to include

themselves or the members of the wedding party in the guest count!

Close relatives, such as siblings and grandparents, will usually come

first on the list. Next, the closest friends of the bride, groom, and their

parents should be added to the "must invite" group. At this time, the

names in the "may invite" group should be discussed by all four parties

involved, and the names added to the list as agreed upon.

If one of the families involved lives some distance away and are unlikely

to all attend the wedding, those parents may offer to reduce

their side of the guest list in favor of the other family.

For example, if the groom’s family lives out of town, they may offer to reduce the

number of guests on their list. However, in this situation, the bride’s family shouldn’t assume that this reduction should be made—the offer should come from the groom’s family. It’s important to remember that both families are equal participants in the wedding and deserve equal treatment in all aspects, including the number of guests invited.

In order to avoid disagreements, it should be remembered that not

everyone who is invited will accept the invitation. It’s safe to assume

that 10 to 25 percent of those invited won’t be able to attend. The

longer the travel distance to the wedding, the higher the percentage

of regrets will be.

For this reason, the final guest list may be extended

slightly over the total originally agreed upon to allow for this. So, if

an original total of 100 guests was selected, the list may safely be extended

to between 110 and 125 to allow for those who won’t attend.

However, if the wedding budget is tight, it’s wise to limit the overbooking

to no more than 5 percent of the total. After all, although it may not be likely, it’s theoretically possible that everyone invited may attend, and this could send the budget "over the edge."

If guests are prompt in sending their regrets, it’s possible (and proper)

to send out more invitations to other guests in order to replace those who can’t attend.

It’s possible to send out more invitations up to two and one-half weeks before the wedding. Of course, if the wedding is a "destination" or "weekend wedding, guests will need more time to decide whether to accept, so it may not be possible to send out a second round of invitations.

　

It’s important to note that some guests who are invited late may be offended or consider themselves to have been the "second choice," especially if they were already aware of the wedding plans. In order to avoid this situation, it may be better for the couple to simply invite everyone whom they really want to invite, and then, if necessary, adjust the menu to a less expensive one at the last minute.

The menu is usually a very flexible part of the wedding budget, and by adjusting

it in this way, the bride and groom can be sure that all of their guests are accommodated and happy.

Check with the caterer to see when the menu has to be finally confirmed. It may only be necessary to make slight changes to save quite a bit of money.

Certain rules of etiquette apply to the extending of invitations. For

example, everyone who will attend the wedding should be sent an

"official" written invitation. It shouldn’t be assumed that anyone "just

knows" that they’re invited, and a verbal invitation isn’t sufficient. As

a practical matter, everyone should receive a written invitation so that

they know exactly when and where the wedding will take place. The

following are some people who should receive invitations, but often

are overlooked for one reason or another:

• The bride’s parents. If the bride’s parents are the hosts, they naturally

won’t send an invitation to themselves. However, if they

aren’t the hosts (for example, if the bride and groom are hosting

their own wedding), they should receive an invitation. The invitation

is sent mainly as a memento—no response is required or

expected.

• The groom’s parents. If the bride’s parents are hosting the wedding,

the groom’s parents should receive an invitation. The

invitation serves mainly as a memento. No response is required

or expected, unless the groom’s parents live far away and have

had no contact with the bride’s family.

• The wedding attendants. Both the bride’s attendants and the

groom’s attendants (including child attendants) should receive

invitations as mementos. No reply is necessary.

• The parents of attendants. It isn’t necessary to invite the attendants’

parents just because they’re the attendants’ parents. However, if

they would have been invited anyway, they should receive written

invitations.

• The officiant (and spouse). It’s considered polite to invite the

officiant and his or her spouse to the wedding reception, even

though many decline the invitation.

The following are some additional people who should be sent

invitations:

• Spouses or fiancé(e)s of attendants and guests. When the couple

know that an attendant or any other invited guest is married or

engaged, the person’s spouse or fiancé(e) should also be invited.

A guest’s spouse should be mentioned by name on the same invitation,

while a fiancé(e) should receive a separate invitation.

If a husband and wife are both attendants at the same wedding,

they can receive one invitation; if only one of the couple is an

attendant, the other should receive a separate invitation