Giving Feedback that Works Without Feeling Guilty

One of the toughest things to do is tell someone their work is not up to par. Whether you’re a bride talking to her wedding team, or a wedding professional who is working with colleagues, you’ll want to have a basic strategy for getting your thoughts and desires across to someone who isn’t meeting the mark.

Recently, a colleague of mine asked for help. She was trying to be proactive with one of her vendors so that her bride could enjoy the best of his work. I thought you might want to be a fly on the wall and hear what I shared with her.

Here’s what she said:

I have a floral designer who has had a slippage in performance over the last 3 weddings he’s worked on. I can’t afford any mistakes with this wedding and need to get that across to him. What do I do without concerning the bride?

Here’s my response:

Right off the bat, it seems like you have the right ‘headset’, meaning that you’re looking to resolve this issue positively and with collaboration. Holding a good intention- things will work out- is critical since 70% of all communication is non-verbal!

Assuming you’re working directly with the designer, if I were you, I’d get curious. Where most of us get stuck is by assuming we know what happened or know what someone else experienced. You know the old adage about assuming!

Ask the designer for a debriefing session where together you can review the last three weddings. You’ll want to ask him :

* what he thought went well
* what he wished went differently
* what he learned for next time

Then you can share your answers to the same questions. This is usually pretty helpful because it allows you to understand what might have gone wrong, and gently emphasize what you’d like to see for the next wedding. Remember, this is a learning conversation, not a scolding. You’re looking to deepen your working relationship.

If you want to be proactive for this bride, you might say to him something like:

I appreciate you as a talented colleague and would really like to have your help with this bride. I’m concerned that _______[insert your concern framed kindly], what can we do to make sure this wedding is absolutely perfect?

If you’re giving feedback, i.e. what not to do, please be as specific as possible. Saying ‘be more organized’ is not as helpful or result-oriented as saying ‘it will be important for me to have a detailed timeline- including who, what and when- by 5 p.m next Friday. How does that work for you?

Another interesting point about giving feedback. Some of the time the reluctance to give feedback, especially negative feedback, is about feeling unworthy to judge someone else. After all, we were raised on the notion it’s wrong to judge others. That feeling can cause you to delay or not be as specific or honest as you might otherwise be with your comments.

Give yourself (and the other person) a break. Feedback is not a final judgment. Instead, think of it as an observation. You notice something and you’re asking the other person about what they observed and their opinion. That goes a long way in reducing any stress or resentment.

What do you do when giving feedback?