Excerpt from "Knot So Funny"

Remember, you can buy the ebook "Knot So Funny" at amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com for only $2.99. That's less than a gallon of gas and all the revenue stays in the United States.

Here's an excerpt from the book:

My cousin, Tim, has been married to Vickie for many years. However, he was married briefly to another woman prior to that - a wedding I attended in 1979. A friend of mine happened to be planning a trip to Florida at just the right time and he dropped me off in Jacksonville the day of the wedding. Around midday, I walked into the hotel where all of the guests were staying, found a lobby phone and tried to find my relatives.

After no success calling various rooms, I wandered out to the pool area. I found my family in one corner huddled around a beer keg and the bride’s family in the opposite corner, apparently taking observational notes for any subsequent police report. It was palpably clear that the bride’s family did not like my family, did not drink, and for some reason carried pens and notepads to the pool.

From what I quickly gleaned, tensions had escalated at the rehearsal dinner the previous night. Probably over my family’s inclination to have a good time and the other family’s preoccupation with gathering evidence for the police. In any case, what was left after the rehearsal dinner was most of a keg of beer and fair amount of pent-up hostility. 

I was 24 at the time and had been in a rigorous training program to build up my alcohol tolerance for something like 6 years. From a quick assessment, I figured my cousins, Tim the Groom and Steve the Best Man, had been enrolled in similar programs (although I would say I was more in Phd territory versus their bachelors degree curriculums). And then there was my Mom, my Aunt Barb and Uncle John, and my Brother with his fiance. Relatively speaking, these were people who had not been through the kindergarten drinking program.

The afternoon was a blur. Touch football on the beach drinking beer. Telling stories by the pool drinking beer. Watching the bride’s family staring at us while we drank beer. It was a hot day and we drank a lot of cold beer. Someone, probably my brother who was the only family member there with a significant other to control his alcohol intake, mentioned it was 5 o’clock and wasn’t the wedding at 7? It dawned on us that the bride’s family had left the pool area some time ago. Probably to consolidate and type up all their notes.

Upon quick agreement that it was indeed time to head to our respective rooms to get dressed, it became apparent that my Mom, Aunt, and Uncle were blotto. Helping them to their rooms, I realized I might need to run to the store to get the bride’s family more notepads. But instead, I quickly showered and dressed so I could check on the others’ progress.

After advising my Mom to straighten her dress and brush her hair, I left her sitting on her bed with a dazed look on her face while I went next door to check on Aunt Barb.

The following conversation ensued:

Aunt Barb: Do I look alright?

Me: Yes (while staring at a trickle of blood running from her temple area down the side of her face).

Aunt Barb: I am still really tipsy. Can you tell?

Me: Not at all (while wincing at her botched makeup and hairdo).

Aunt Barb: Are you sure I look alright?

Me: Absolutely (hoping that somehow her dress would straighten itself out on the car ride to the wedding).

Actually, I helped her untwist the dress and wiped the blood off her face (she fell in the shower) and had my uncle call room service to order french fries, which can be good for a quick sobering effect. I had Aunt Barb re-brush her hair, but there wasn’t much I could do about the makeup, as I only have experience with eye shadow.

  We made it to the wedding on time, if a little fuzzy on some counts. Thank god cousin Steve had some small bottles of liquor from the airplane in his suit pockets. I needed a drink. Oh yeah, Tim’s marriage lasted 18 months.